if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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