Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
