Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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