My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
