This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
