It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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