I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
