areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
