He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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