if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
