I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
