I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
