There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
