hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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