There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
