Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize