Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
