im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
