Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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