i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
