I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
