DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
