Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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