I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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