My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize