I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
