I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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