So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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