I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
