tell your sister to shave her snatch
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize