im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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