i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
