Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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