new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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