While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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