Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
