she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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