I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
