We're facebook friends in real life
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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