By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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