It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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