I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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