ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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