Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
