Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize