I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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