how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
