What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
