Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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