i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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