Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you would pick up someone in the library
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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