I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So much rum. So many feels.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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