so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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