I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Someone came in the potted fern
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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