I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
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