what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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