I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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