well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
