I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
