Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
